POLITICALLY INCORRECT STORY(HUMOROUS)

[Dave54]

Hi, I am not a racist or bigot and some lovely people I know are either Asian or Gay. Please take this humorous article in the lighthearted spirit in which it was written. It will be the last of the Humorous articles otherwize no one will buy my book "BONSAI RAMBLINGS"
cheers
Dave
FROM CHINA TO THE BUSH
OR
YOU CAN’T KILL A FIG,
……….(CAN YOU ?)
What a change in lifestyle I now enjoy, after my humble beginnings in a southern province of China.
Let me introduce myself, I am a Fig, my exact
variety debatable as I think my parentage is
questionable with a bit of cross pollination ‘hanky panky’ happening in the rainforest from where I originated.
I’m not sure how old I was when removed from the rainforest by a Chinaman who owned a bonsai
nursery, however, along with many of my siblings I suffered the indignity of being plucked from the lovely place I called home, having my root ball wrapped in hessian and thrown unceremoniously on the back of a rickshaw. On reaching the nursery we were all bare rooted and potted up, watered and placed in long rows. What a change from the beautiful rainforest surroundings from where I came.
It appears that the reason we were collected is because we had a lovely display of aerial roots that we sent down and subsequently attached to our already thick trunks.
We’re not as old as everyone thinks, it’s just that due to the hot, humid weather conditions in Southern China, which are ideal for us Figs, we just thrive and keep growing into enormous trees with thick trunks.
Because I was styled in the Chinese way I am more ‘Freeform’ than ‘Structured’, with branches in all directions but my selling point is my beautiful trunk, with aerial roots dropping from my primary branches which have now hit the soil and thickened up. Can you believe they ‘ plaited’ the three aerial roots at the front and made me look like a damn ‘poof’.
Anyway, you think that’s bad, the worst is yet to come. It appears that the nurseryman has connections in Australia and you guessed it, because I’m one of the best in the nursery, me along with about fifteen of my mates get purchased from photographs, that the Aussie bloke was sent.
I’ve been listening to the guys planning our demise and the grizzly details are quite
frightening. Do you know I get sent ‘Down-Under’ in the ‘nude’.
Picture this, all of us tipped out of our pots, totally ‘bare-rooted’ every last soil particle
removed, sprayed with water and wrapped in that rotten hessian again that itches and annoys the hell out of me. I thought this was disgraceful but I suppose I was lucky that it’s the
middle of summer and at 35c, I can cope. We get transported to the airport, loaded into the hold of the plane and sit for ages, nearly cooking, whilst passengers and their luggage get loaded. Do they forget we have feelings and can break, we get thrown around getting squashed against boxes and suitcases.
We finally take off and at 30,000ft. I’m bloody freezing, will we ever get to Sydney?
At last we arrive at Mascot and I think I’ve turned blue with the cold. The doors open and it’s the bloody middle of winter and I’m nude, can it get any worse? They have got to be kidding. I arrive at quarantine, they remove my hessian without even asking and fumigate me with
pesticides, insecticides and any other ‘cides they can get their hands on. I think I’m choking. All these Aussies look the same and none of them show me respect.

Eventually, freezing to my softwood core, I am repotted and transported to a quarantine
nursery where I have to stay for 3 months before going to my new owner. Lucky they place me in a hothouse, I’ve never been so cold.

The time passes quickly and even though they treated us harshly, I survived because I’m a Fig and you can’t kill a Fig. Although stressed we finally get transported to the new nursery and we take pride of place on the benches to be shown off to all his clients. He tells everyone that I’m not for sale because I’m the best one in the group and I’m to remain in his collection.

Second day out of quarantine and we get hit with the biggest unexpected frost you’ve ever seen that burns all our fresh new growth and now we’re so black we look like we’ve come from Africa. Nonetheless, because we are so different to all the local Figs, most of us sell pretty quickly. I remain the pride of the nurseryman’s collection until a bloke named Dave talks him into a sale. I was just acclimatizing to this place and now I’m off again.

On arrival at Dave’s place some of the other trees in the yard aren’t really impressed because I get positioned in prime viewing spot. Are they racist because I look different or just jealous
because I look so damn good.

Anyway I’m standing next to ‘Pete The Privet’ who you’ve all read about and he whispers to me that "You don’t know what your in for". Was Pete just trying to scare me, he described Dave as the ‘Assassin’. As sure as chop suey is Chinese, out comes Dave with the dreaded tool box and starts hacking away, cutting off two large branches at the top because he says they are too
thick and creating a multiple apex. Next he expresses his displeasure at the way I send out my shoots, instead of individual shoots I send out multiples which are causing trunk thickening in all the wrong places.
He removes every multiple shoot, fills up a garbage bin, mind you, with my beautiful new growth, and now my top is nearly nude. These bonsai people seem to have nudity on the brain.
Then he has the hide to say that I don’t look like I’m thriving, I wonder why!! He decides to
repot me to see what’s wrong and to place me in a smaller pot. (I suppose I was slightly over
potted to encourage faster growth.)
He tips me out of my pot and he wonders why I’m so wet and my roots don’t look too healthy. Well I’d been trying to tell him I was drowning, can’t he understand plain Chinese!!! Some ‘iriot’ at quarantine had placed shadecloth over my drainage holes which had choked up with soil
particles, stopping adequate drainage. As I said before, lucky I’m a fig.

The dramas never seem to end at this place, every time I send out more of those multiple shoots he just pinches them off and the worst thing is that there are pests called aphids, that eat my new leaves even before they open. Dave keeps spraying but they are persistent ‘Little Aussie Blighters’

Things do seem to be settling down with the other yard trees beginning to accept me for what I am and even though I’m still missing my rainforest mates, I’m thinking of taking out ‘Aussie
Citizenship’ because I’m starting to like the place.
YOU CAN’T KILL A FIG,…………. CAN YOU?

[Dave54]

Hi Guys, sorry I spelt "HUMOROUS" wrong in the heading , Idon't seem to be able to edit it
Cheers
dave

[aaron_tas]

awesome story dave,

you certainly have a great writing ability

does pete's newly aquainted friend, the (so far) elusive chinese fig, have a name

[Dave54]

Hi,
no it doesn't, however it is the subject of some major grafting. I have actually removed some large branches which had aerial roots and secured or grafted them on to different parts of the tree, anchoring the aerial roots into the pot to feed the tree whilst the graft takes hold.
This grafting is one of the chapters in my book. Here is a photo of the tree which still has a way to go. It stands about 1200 high. The bottom right primary and the second left branches are grafts and I know that the branch spacings are off.
cheers
Dave

[Jon Chown]

At 1.2 meters high, thats an awsome tree Dave and with a few more years growth it will be a stunner.

Ever since I read Deborah Koreshoffs Atlas Cedar story, I have been partial to a good stroy told from the trees perspective and you have mastered this with your story Dave - good one.

Jon

[Leigh Taafe]

Yeah, I agree Jon, it is kinda cool to get the Tree's perspective. Wouldn't it be great to get a copy of Dave's book and read it as you are walking around his garden, it would be like having a conversation with the tree itself!

Cheers,
Leigh.

[Dave54]

Hi Guys,
Must say I have never read nor heard of Deborah Koreschoff's Cedar Story. I hope it is more recent than my stories as I would hate to be accused of copying.
Leigh, Only about half a dozen of these types of stories in the book, but a vast number of tree profiles showing the tree's evolution with a pictorial reference guide of each development stage. Maybe I should give you a free copy, if you enjoy the read you might sell them on consignment through your nursery. Not that I have heavily marketed them as yet, only selling a few through e-bay.
cheers
Dave

[Jon Chown]

Must say I have never read nor heard of Deborah Koreschoff's Cedar Story. I hope it is more recent than my stories as I would hate to be accused of copying.

Dave, I was by no means casting dispersions on your literary style or ability, your story just reminded me of the previous one that I had read. It was published in International Bonsai issue 2 in 1990 (written November 1989) and was a great read. It would be good to get Bill Valavanis's permission to rewrite it here but I guess he has much more on his mind at present.

Jon

[Dave54]

Jon,
I certainly took no offence
cheers
Dave

[Steven]

Great story Dave! Had me laughing out loud several times
I am saddened that this is the last 'taster' from your book but I guess I should just buy myself a copy. Why not put them up for sale in our Market Place and make it easy for us to get a copy?
Regards,
Steven

[Dave54]

Thanks steven
I might take you up on that. I will post some more items from the book, just not from the humorous chapter.
Have some work heavy committments for the next week, so doubt that I'll be doing much on line in this time.
Am glad you got a laugh out of it.
cheers
Dave

[stymie]

You're right Dave Chop Suey is not Chinese. It's an American invention. Thanks for the giggle.

[kcpoole]

NIce story Dave

Do you name all of your trees?
I suggest we have a poll here for a name for this fig

Fung the Fig sounds good to me

Ken

[Leigh Taafe]

I am a big fan of the telly program Top Gear (love it). I have always wanted to refer to something as "The Stig". How about Stig The Fig!!

Cheers,
Leigh.

[Dave54]

Hi guys,
I don't name all of my trees, however, for cataloging and photo record purposes, I do have a reference name for most of them. I suppose I am giving away the owner of the nursery, but Kingston and I have a close relationship(I HOPE!!!).
So because I think I funded his family's last trip to China with the purchase of this tree. I affectionately know it as "WANG'S FIG" ( Wang being his surname). A better name by popular demand could see a change though
By the way his nursery is called "BONSAI ENVIRONMENT" and is located in Vineyard NSW. A great selection of pots as Kingston imports his own by the container load and at reasaonable prices, some really GOOD raw material that he grows himself off the property. Tell him Dave sent you and ask for a discount. SORRY KINGSTON !

cheers
Dave